Gods of Egypt (Review)

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So this has to be the most controversial movie of the year (and it’s not even had a cinema showing in the UK yet, which doesn’t bode well). But I have a US iTunes account and some credit so yeah, movie goodness. Excuse the stream of consciousness bullet points but that works well for me rather than writing lots of paragraphs. It’s worth noting, I’m a white Caucasian, female pagan who has a particular connection to the Egyptian pantheon.

I also picked the header image above as this is how I prefer to think of Gods of Egypt, as a mecha sci fi movie, rather than the butchery of an ancient religious tradition portrayed in the film itself. A part of me can’t believe I sat through the movie …

Ready?

  • Gods above, this is one pretty movie. The opening sequence is gorgeous.
  • Holy hell, there are a lot of white gods. Also they’re Hobbit-CGIed to be taller than mortals. This messes with my head.
  • Jamie Lannister. Naked. Drool.
  • Awww a cute, white, in-love mortal couple. Both Bek and Zaya are adorably sweet, in a saccharine ‘are you serious?’ kinda way.
  • Ah, the expositional ‘you didn’t study mythology as a kid’ line up of deities. Hathor, check, Thoth (Toeth???), check, Nephthys, check.
  • Thoth is hot. So’s Hathor.
  • Black people play all the minor roles, like drummers and the odd dancer in the crowd.
  • Osiris is a king I could get behind, he’s a fundamentally good guy.
  • Holy crap, Seth is the likable Gerard Butler ... 300 flashback check! Also a Scottish god of evil … right …
  • In the original myth, Set kills set before Horus is even born. There’s no passing of the torch. Oh and Set blinds Horus in another story.
  • Isis, mistress of magic and Keeper of the Name of Ra, does nothing. Nephthys does the wing thing which is cool, visually speaking, but they got the wrong sister.
  • Wait a year passes and Horus is sitting in Osiris’ tomb? And Isis committed suicide? WTF?
  • Yes, blind people are incapable of doing anything for themselves … sigh.
  • Oooh I like Anubis, he’s almost sympathetic. He looks awesome, I would want him as my psychopomp.
  • Wait, gods can turn into flying mecha? WTFF???
  • Egypt is flat? The world itself is flat. Oh and Ra lives on a starship which he uses to siphon off solar energy to battle Apophis. That’s kinda cool.
  • Whoa, Apophis is basically Moby Dick with a billion more teeth. That’s also a tiny bit cool.
  • Tiny props to the writers for addressing Hathor’s multiple roles as a goddess of love, the mistress of fate and a goddess connected with the underworld as ‘Mistress of the West’.
  • Fuck, I’m enjoying this movie.
  • So Isis wept a lot and then took her own life. This is Isis … Queen of Heaven … No.
  • Also, yes Osiris was torn into thirteen pieces and scattered across Egypt by Set … but it wasn’t his heart they couldn’t find. Isis made him a phallus and then used that to impregnate herself wth Horus. Oh wait, this is a PG-13 movie, no penises.
  • Thoth is black (excellent) and sexy. There are also like a thousand incarnations of him. He’s a little arrogant but it also works for his character as God of Knowledge.
  • Erm, guys, the Sphinx and the riddle is a Greek myth, not an Egyptian one. That’s the Greek town of Thebes, not the Egyptian one.
  • That’s a good riddle though.
  • Intelligence is sexy!
  • Bek is cheeky and funny. I like him.
  • If your heart is too heavy against Ma’at’s feather, then the monstrous demon Ammut eats you, you’re not torn apart.
  • Also how do people, in the spirit realm, even have boxes of gold and gems?
  • Let’s just steal your sister’s wings, who is also your ex-wife. Yeah, let’s forget the sister bit.
  • Wait, why are you even stealing other gods’ ‘attributes’ like wings, brains, hearts and Ra’s epic solar spear? How is this going to make you truly immortal?
  • Ouch that looks painful …
  • Oooh, shiny mecha god battle.
  • Awww, adorable non-white kids. Hey, Egypt does actually have non-white people/kids in it.
  • Jamie Lannister learns his lesson. Excellent. Now he’s basically Thor but sexier.
  • Awww the mortals were saved from death. Wait, what?
  • Live well so you can reap your rewards in the afterlife. Nice sentiment.
  • Horus goes hunting Hathor, because she needs rescuing from hordes of demons in the underworld.
  • That last shot is kinda cool. Pure CGI-porn but impressive.
  • Shit, I kinda enjoyed this.
  • Am I a bad person?
  • Can I watch this again?
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