Hard Reboot Required

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Though it’s not quite my pantheon, I always associate Samhain with the New Year (especially as it comes so close to my own birthday). This always makes me think of this being the perfect time to reflect and regroup as necessary.

Psychologically some of it is down to my mental health, my lack of a dog, the fading of the year and stuff I can’t control. Mhairi told me the other day I should have been born as a dormouse because they shut down during Winter.

Mentally I’m okay, I’ve quit alcohol, I’m lowering my meds, I’m less anxious. I’m sleeping, I’m able to concentrate a little more (though not to a writing novel level; hence I plan to simplify my Patreon as soon as I get a second). I have a couple of anthology calls I want to get done but that’s my sole goal until the end of the year. I have a story due to my crit group in a fortnight which gives me some time to actually write something for one of the three calls.

Yay, motivation.

I’m tired though even if I’m finally able to sleep. I’ve been through a lot. I need to take some time out from everything and just chill out. This will be helped by basically living in the Odeon for the next few months watching as many movies as I can stomach (I even have a pen and notebook so I can ‘work’ on the third/fourth viewing). I’ve found a potential writing nook with a power and USB socket in the little Costa, somewhere quite where I can work undisturbed with decent WiFi and nice baristas.

I have no news on Uni and this is almost a good thing. She’s no longer a part of my life anymore and we both need to adjust to that. Someone randomly asked how I was feeling yesterday, no one outside of my closest chosen family do this. Thus has Asha begun to coalesce as a real being and not just the bag of bones holding a dog harness.

I’ve started really thinking about New Dog (the news was broken to Beloved Niece yesterday and she seems to be taking it well). In a few months, I’m going to have a new best friend and, hopefully, all the skills I missed out on last time. I think I’ve grown as a person too and that will make me a better GDO.

I made mistakes with Uni, every first timer does. I bought a charm for my bag as a present to myself because I saw it and immediately started crying. I got some birthday credit and decided to go back and buy it. There’s a silver bone, dog bowl and a ball, all things which had meaning to me and Uni. It was just one of those things which will keep me on the straight and narrow when it comes to her replacement without diminishing my relationship with Uni (which will always be special).

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For now, I’m taking it easy and quiet. I feel okay but at the same time, I’m obviously not. This isn’t mania, it’s not depression but it’s not the ‘normal’ bit in the middle either. I’m grieving and that takes time, especially as it has repercussions. I knew this was coming, it just happened six months too early and caught me off guard.

I’m hoping I’ll start writing again soon. I feel so lost when I look at Scrivener, like the words are there I’ve just forgotten how to type. This is partly why I’m putting as little pressure on myself as possible; it’s okay to sit in Starbucks blogging, it’s fine to rewatch Westworld, it’s okay to lurk in subreddits. Even if all I do is sketch out ideas for stories, it’s still something.

As long as I keep moving, even if it’s at snail’s pace, everything will be okay. I just need the time and permission to put myself back together.

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